The Entirely Believable Adventures of Henry Porter: Scientist
by Story Please
Summary: Based on a writing prompt from Reddit: what if, on his eleventh birthday, Henry Porter were told that he was not, in fact, a wizard as he had been told all his life, but a Scientist? This is a parody and tongue-in-cheek deconstruction of the HP series that I will continue regularly if there is enough interest. Expect a lot of SCIENCE and the wonder and mystery it entails.
1. Chapter 1

**Chapter 1: You're a Scientist, Henry**

Henry Porter was a normal ten year old boy, though he had an odd, pinprick-shaped scar on his forearm. Raised by his magically talented aunt and uncle, who spent a lot of time casting hexes and jinxes on him for things he did not do, Henry hoped that he would one day manifest accidental magic like his cousin Dougie, who had already figured out how to levitate small objects, mostly at his head.

One day, however, a letter came in the mail, which was odd, because it was not delivered properly by owl, as letters were supposed to be delivered. Henry grit his teeth together when he heard his aunt's shrill voice call out his name from the magically enlarged front hallway.

He poked his head out of the tiny room that was more storage closet than proper living space and stared at the precisely typed writing on the envelope.

The letter was addressed to him.

Aunt Chrysanthemum pulled out her wand, dangled the offending letter from the tips of her fingers like a particularly odiferous garden gnome and incinerated it.

"Hey! That was mine!" Henry cried, scowling at her.

Still more letters came, all delivered by a strange small man wearing a mailman uniform. The Dirtleys scoffed at the audacity of a mailman coming to a magical home, but no matter what they did, the mailman would not stop delivering the letters.

Finally, one day, the doorbell rang. Uncle Verne answered the door wearing his best pointed wizarding hat, his walrus-like mustache heaving from the effort of getting up from his chair.

"Listen you!" he snarled as Henry poked his nose out from his tiny room under the staircase. "You will stop this terrible….mundane way of delivering the post! It's simply...not done!"

With that, he slammed the door on the old man, who Henry saw wiggling his mustache back and forth curiously before the door shuddered on its hinges and was locked by a particularly strong ward.

Finally, Uncle Verne got so angry about the repeated delivery of letters that he Apparated the entire family, including Henry, to a small cottage in the middle of nowhere on a tiny deserted island.

One day, they heard a strange flapping noise in the air, and Henry looked out the window, not believing what he was seeing.

A giant helicopter hovered in the air above the cottage, and the small man descended from a wiggly ladder.

"Nothing stops the mail!" he said victoriously as the Dirtley groaned.

It was then that the man, Mr. Onestein, told Henry the truth.

"Your parents did not die in a freak magical storm," he said gravely, "They were scientists, and so are you. You see that scar on your arm? That's from the experimental vaccination they used on you to defeat a seriously deadly virus that was being injected in children by the unscrupulous Dr. Morty, who believed that he could create immortal life through the proper recombination of virii."

"How dare you talk of empiricism!" Aunt Chrysanthemum shrieked, covering Dougie's ears. "My son has never been touched by your disgusting _vaccines_ and he is as healthy as a horse!"

"Madam, if I may be so bold, perhaps he would be slightly less horse-sized if you stopped feeding him so much," Mr. Onestein said, looking over his glasses at the obese blond boy who was in the process of stuffing yet another cookie into his mouth. "Though, it's quite possible it could be an endocrine disorder. Have you considered taking him to a doctor?"

Uncle Verne went scarlet and nearly cast an Unforgivable, so Henry went off with Mr. Onestein, whose helicopter apparently had something called "autopilot" that he'd salvaged from his computer when he'd been expelled from the Academy for trying to create an artificial intelligence system.

"I must say, I do have quite a fondness for Internet trolls. They're quite harmless if you know how to handle them," he admitted, winking a wrinkled blue eye, as Henry wondered if said trolls were a newly-discovered species. He hoped that they were small.

Henry touched the small pinprick scar on his forearm and grinned, thinking about how he would finally see the exclusive science academy that his parents had attended and follow in their footsteps.

"Where are we going?" Henry asked, as they flew off into the sunset, nervously looking back out the window every so often and hoping that the Dirtleys weren't trying to follow them on brooms.

"Why, we're going to the Academia Scientifica, my dear boy," Mr. Onestein said, smoothing his wild white mane, which just stuck back up after he was done, "but first, we need to get you a computer with wifi and a lab coat."

"A...what?" Henry blinked. "...and a what?"

"Don't worry, you'll see once we get to Fry's Electronics."

Henry's belly rumbled with hunger, and as he sat back in the plush helicopter seat, he wondered if fried electronics would be tasty.


	2. Chapter 2

**Chapter 2: The Shopping Center in the Middle of a Pyramid**

They landed the helicopter on a flat pad at the other end of the wide expanse of water and Mr. Onestein fiddled with the console for a moment before pulling out a small piece of plastic with a metal bit on one end from the middle of it.

"Oh no! Did you break it? Oh, if only I had a wand, I could use the repairing spell on it!" Henry was concerned that Mr. Onestein had broken something important on his account.

"No, Henry, this is a USB drive. I used it to bypass the security measures in the regular system and insert Goggy, my artificial intelligence system, who so helpfully kept the bird in the sky while I came down to get you."

Henry wasn't sure what any of that meant, but he waved at the plastic piece in Mr. Onestein's hand.

"Hi Goggy!" he said emphatically, not wanting to make the poor thing feel left out.

Mr. Onestein laughed goodnaturedly and patted Henry on the arm. "Oh, don't worry about it if you're a bit confused by my ramblings! I tend to go on at length about my own pet projects, though I'm just a humble I.T. guy."

"Eye….Tea?" Henry asked, even more confused.

"Come on then," Mr. Onestein said, helping the boy out of the helicopter and leading him towards a car that was incredibly sleek and nothing like anything Henry had ever seen before. "It's your birthday today, isn't it? Time to get you some money and then it's off to the stores!"

Henry wasn't sure what to make of the bank with its concrete and stucco exterior. The rows of wide glass windows at the top of the building seemed almost illogical, and he gulped loudly as they stepped up to the front doors and they sprang open as if by magic. He was much more used to the heavy oak doors held open by trained mountain trolls that stood at the entrance to his uncle and aunt's bank.

It was surprisingly cool inside, even though it was hot outside in the midday sun and Henry looked around, trying to spot who had cast a Cooling Charm.

"Ah, air conditioning," Mr. Onestein said happily, closing his eyes, "How I've missed it. There's some at the Academy as well, you know."

Mr. Onestein told Henry that his parents had an account with plenty of money inside to pay for his school supplies, and though Henry didn't understand the types of money and how much they translated to, he was able to fill out the proper slips and Mr. Onestein gave the teller a packet of information before a special number was punched into a small terminal that looked a bit like a terminal.

"This is your PIN," Onestein said, handing Henry the slip of paper. "It is like a secret password to access your money, so do not share it with anyone.

Henry looked at the paper and committed the numbers to memory, which wasn't hard because it was the month and day of his birthday. Then, the teller ran the paper through a loud contraption called a "shredder" and Henry shuddered at the thought of what sort of magical creature was inside, tearing his paper into tiny bits. Finally, he was given a bunch of paper money in an envelope, which he stuffed into the hidden pocket sewed into his oversized robes. Henry noticed that the teller was looking at him oddly, but Mr. Onestein didn't seem to be bothered by it, so Henry said nothing.

"I, too, have a withdrawal to make," Onestein said, handing a second slip to the teller, along with a plastic card. "It is for the school that I work for at the bequest of its headmaster."

The teller nodded and pushed something behind her desk. A small door opened to her right. And she waved them inside.

"You will have to come in here to access the strong box," she said, "I expect that you have the key, yes?"

Onestein nodded, pulling a key from under his shirt, which was tied around his neck on a thick cord.

"Very well. This way, please."

They walked for a long time past large square, concrete rooms with barred doors on them, but Henry was surprised that there were no dragons or magical creatures set as guards. Instead, there were small boxes with red lights blinking on them and a sign every ten feet that proclaimed "SMILE! YOU'RE ON CAMERA!"

They were led into one of the last square rooms and sat down at a small table. The teller pulled a metal box out of a slot with a special key on a strange stretchy bracelet and then set it on the table.

"I will be waiting outside. Please call for me to unlock the door when you are finished," she said, turning and locking the barred door behind them.

Henry peered at the box as Mr. Onestein opened it, but was disappointed at what he saw inside. There was a velvet back with a lump inside of it, which Mr. Onestein switched out with another velvet bag with an equally sized lump in it.

"What's in there?" Henry asked, as Mr. Onestein locked the box.

"Official business," Mr. Onestein muttered, looking slightly apologetic. "Don't worry. It's boring adult scientist stuff anyway. I'm sure it would just fly over your head. Heck, this sort of stuff flies over my head and _my_ hair!"

Henry chuckled at Mr. Onestein's joke, especially since his hair stuck out as though he'd been recently electrocuted. He was still curious about the mysterious object in the bag, but he appreciated that Mr. Onestein wasn't being mean about it.

At last, they called for the teller to return and she locked it up.

"Just wanted to look at it and make sure it was in order!" Mr. Onestein said loudly to Henry, who gave him a puzzled look.

"Don't worry, lad," Mr. Onestein whispered with a secret smile, "it's all just part of the plan."

Henry shrugged and they returned to the car, driving on a large stretch of open road called a _freeway_ at such dizzying speeds that Henry scarcely paid attention to where they were going until they reached an exit ramp.

"We'll find everything we need here!" Onestein said gleefully, parking the car in a massive parking lot.

Henry stepped out of the vehicle and stared at the giant building in front of him, blinking rapidly with disbelief.

"Is...that...a _pyramid_?" he asked, wondering if he was going insane. All good wizards and witches knew that the pyramids were in Egypt, and he wondered if Mr. Onestein was going to tell him that he was wrong about that.

"Somewhat," Mr. Onestein said, laughing softly, "Come on, we have to enter over here."

It was another one of those magically swooshing doors that opened when they stepped in front of it, though no one else was around.

"How do they work?" Henry asked, pointing at them.

"There's a electronic mechanism inside that moves the doors back and forth," Mr. Onestein explained, "and when someone steps up to the little motion sensor at the top of the door, it activates the door mechanism."

"So it's _not_ magic?" Henry replied, staring at the doors as though they'd just grown wings and threatened to eat him.

"Henry, you will find that there are many things that appear magical in this world that are simply things that operate on scientific concepts that human beings have worked out over many generations," Mr. Onestein replied, ushering Henry in so as not to block anyone behind them. "The very basis of the scientific method is to come up with an idea called a hypothesis, test that hypothesis, and then record results in a way to try and explain how things work in our world."

"That's not much like magic," Henry said, frowning, "I mean, we all just look in books to tell us what the spell is supposed to do and how to cast it and...well...that's it, really. So you're telling me that science is basically explaining how the world works through those hypot-hypo...er thingies?"

"No, that's not quite true. We fail. A lot, actually." Mr. Onestein smiled sadly. "I would, however, say that this is one of the best parts of science, though. Learning to fail and try again is one of the greatest skills that you can learn in this world. It is far better than simply doing the same thing over and over and expecting different results."

They made their way over towards the computer section, and Mr. Onestein helped Henry purchase one that had the correct "specs" for his schooling.

"This one is also great because you can easily switch out the RAM and increase the memory or hard drive," Mr. Onestein explained, pointing at the plastic rectangular object, which opened and closed like a clamshell.

Henry nodded and tried to look like he understood what Mr. Onestein was saying.

He did, however, have to make sure that the keyboard was comfortable for typing on, even though he'd never used one before. The letters weren't in the same order as the alphabet, and it took Henry forever to type a single sentence.

"Don't worry, sir," the salesperson told him, "you'll get better as you practice. As an added bonus, we'll include a typing improvement program on the computer absolutely free."

"Sold!" Mr. Onestein said with a grin.

Then, they went to another section of the store and Henry was fitted for a white labcoat. He initially wanted a larger one, since that was what he was used to wearing, but Mr. Onestein steered him towards the ones that were more his own size.

"You do not want to get a lab coat that goes over your fingers," he explained, "That's a good way to invalidate an experiment."

Henry could tell that this would not be good at all, and agreed, purchasing one that fit him rather well, other than a bit of looseness in his chest and waist.

"Don't worry, you'll grow into it, my boy!" Onestein said, and they placed it in the cart with the other items.

After that, they picked up a couple of other things before swinging by the small restaurant at the corner of the store.

"Do all stores have restaurants in them?" Henry asked, munching on his burger and fries happily.

"No, but that is why I took you here first!" Onestein replied. "You obviously need to eat a bit more than they've been feeding you!"

Henry laughed awkwardly, not sure if he should be ashamed or excited that someone had noticed.

Once they were finished picking up supplies at some of the other shops around town, Mr. Onestein helped Henry get to the bus terminal to buy the correct ticket for the Academy shuttle.

"Unfortunately, I have a few other errands to run and won't be able to take you the whole way, but it's just as well. The bus will be leaving within the hour, so you can take this opportunity to change into the clothing we bought for you so you'll stick out a bit less like a sore thumb, eh?"

Mr. Onestein clapped Henry on the back.

"Good luck, Henry. I know you're going to be a great scientist once day!"

"Thank you, sir. I will try my best."

Henry took his ticket and went into the bathroom, which was much smellier than the wizarding toilets he'd used before- perhaps there was something to be said about magic for cleaning after oneself.


	3. Chapter 3

**Chapter 3: Science….on a Bus!**

Henry quickly changed into his clothing (though he did have a tough time with the buttons and zipper at first) and lugged his bags towards the terminal. The problem, however, was that he had forgotten to ask where his bus would be leaving and his ticket only had the time on it. He looked around, trying to find an attendant when he ran smack dab into someone else and both his ticket and something somewhat heavy clattered to the floor.

"Bloody hell!" A boy that Henry had never met before with flaming orange hair and freckles flew forward, his arms flailing towards whatever he dropped, but it was far too late. Henry bent down and picked up a small rectangular plastic object with what appeared to be a glass screen. It didn't appear cracked, but there was a small dent in the plastic on one side. A screen with a bunch of simplistic images on it was frozen, a high pitched screech emitting from the small speaker in the front.

"Awww, and I just saved up to buy that GameBoy from my brother Chuck!" The boy snatched the device from Henry and pulled something small and plastic out of the back, flipped a knob at the top and then tilted it, blowing into the top before plugging the plastic piece back in and flipping the switch. A little tune played and Henry stared at it with awe.

"There are words on that screen!" he exclaimed.

"Well, yeah, it's a handheld game system. Where have you been, Mars?" The boy looked up at Henry and stared at something quizzically. "Wait. Is your shirt on...inside out?"

Henry looked down. "Well, the buttons were a bit tricky, but I managed."

"No wonder!" the boy barked with laughter and looked down at the rest of Henry's outfit. "Wait...you put everything on inside out! And...why are your shoelaces stuffed into the sides of your shoes?"

"It is a bit uncomfortable, but I thought that was the style?" Henry asked, looking confused.

"Oh, mate, you need help. And I think that this is yours as well." He picked up Henry's ticket and glanced at it, his eyes widening. "Hey! I'm going here too!"

"Really?" Henry instantly forgot to be embarrassed about having put his clothing on incorrectly.

"Yeah, let's go together! My name is Roy, by the way; Roy Wensleydale!"

"I'm, er...Henry," Henry said, scratching his head and taking the ticket back gently. "Henry Porter."

Roy's eyes went wide.

"Wait. Do you have...you know…?" He pointed to his forearm and Henry frowned momentarily before realizing what Roy was referring to.

"Oh, you mean this?!" He pulled up his sleeve and showed the mark.

"Wicked!" Roy exclaimed. "I've always wanted to meet the vector that finally brought down Dr. Morty. You're something of an urban legend in the scientific community, you know. Patient Zero."

"What do you mean?" Henry asked.

"Roy! Where are you, son?! The bus is going to leave in fifteen minutes!" Before Roy could reply, a shrill woman's voice rang out and a heavy-set woman in a business suit appeared with her daughter. "I need to take Jenny to to her after-school dance recital! Do you think you can make it on your own? Oh...hello there, have you made a new friend already?"

Roy rolled his eyes and turned around to face his mother. "This is Henry, Mother. Henry _Porter_. _THE_ Henry Porter."

Roy's mother looked at Henry with surprise while the young girl behind her stared at him with her mouth wide open in shock.

"Well, in any case, you two are going to be late, and you know that your father has the car today, so we have to take our own bus!" Roy's mother seemed to recover and set her mouth in a firm line and Henry got the impression that she was very strict, although the laugh lines around her eyes spoke of a propensity to smile.

"Yeah, we're going, we're going," Roy grumbled, tucking his GameBoy into his pocket and picking up his luggage. "C'mon Henry, don't want to be _late_ , do we?"

Henry snickered behind his hand. Roy seemed like he knew the way, so he began to follow the taller boy towards the bus terminal. They reached the bus with several minutes to spare and settled down in the back. Roy pulled open a plastic bag and shared some pretzels with Henry, who wasn't exactly hungry, but accepted the offer graciously.

"Hey, I saw you at Fry's earlier!" The voice came from their right. A tall, boy with white-blond hair stared down at the two boys looking at them appraisingly. He wrinkled his pointed nose as though he smelled something awful.

"Why would you want to be friends with a Wensleydale? All they do is make cheese, which is hardly scientific. And they smell... _funny_." The boy extended a hand to Henry and looked dubiously at Roy, whose mouth was stuffed full of pretzel. "I'm Drake Malachite. I heard from this... _frogmouth_ who you are. I'd like to extend the olive branch, so to speak, and ask you to join my research group. Everyone knows that virology is where the best research is being done and funding goes."

"Buzz off, Malachite," Roy said through a full mouth. "Not everyone's father is the head of an elite bioresearch group. Besides, making cheese requires a solid foundation in chemistry."

"Pfft," Drake scoffed. "Seriously? Come on Henry, and sit with the students who have an actual future in _serious_ science. One that doesn't involve moldy cheese."

Henry narrowed his eyes as he looked back and forth between Roy's hurt expression and Drake's self-satisfied smirk.

"Thanks, but I think I'm fine here," Henry said with a shrug. "After all, I'd prefer the smell of any cheese to that of someone who seems to enjoy the smell of his own farts."

Roy snickered loudly and sprayed Drake with a smattering of chewed-up pretzel as Drake looked at them both in utter horror.

"F-fine!" he sputtered. "You were just some freak experiment gone wrong, anyway! I hope you don't regret not joining up with us later when we start to do great things. Consider my offer rescinded!"

"Good!" Henry said, pressing his thumb against his nose and wiggling his fingers at Drake's receding backside, as the incensed boy stomped back to the front of the bus.

"Wow, Henry, you just met me and you didn't know a thing about what my family usually does, and yet you still defended me. Are you even real?" Roy was obviously astounded.

Henry looked down at himself and then shrugged. "I think so."

"Good enough for me!" Roy replied with a grin.

"Is this seat taken?" A girl's voice was directed at Henry and he looked across the aisle to see a dark-skinned girl with bushy hair and a somewhat tubby boy with freckles and blonde hair. He grinned at them shyly and waved as the girl stood and looked at them with her hands on her hips, waiting for them to respond.

"Um...no, not as far as I know," Roy replied, sounding somewhat defensive.

The blond boy took the seat by the window, which seemed like a good idea as he wa already looking carsick and the bus hadn't even begun to move yet. The girl sat down with her legs dangling in the aisle and she leaned forward, an interested expression on her face.

"Nice Gameboy," she said, pulling a smaller scarlet one from her own pocket. "I got a Gameboy Pocket as an early birthday present."

"Bully for you," Roy mumbled, pulling his gray brick out and looking at the girl with a scowl.

"Do you have Pokemon? I have a connector cable if you want to battle!" The girl said with a buck-toothed grin.

"I don't battle Pokemon against people I don't know," Roy replied standoffishly. "Besides, I'd probably kick your butt."

"That good, are you? We'll see about that!"

With a graceful movement, the girl stood up and scooted next to Henry, crushing him between the two Gameboy wielding scientists. Though Henry knew that neither of them had any magic, he could almost feel the static electricity building between them as they stared each other down.

"I'm Harmony," she said, sticking her hand out, "Harmony Geiger. My grandfather invented the Geiger Counter, which is used for measuring ionizing radiation."

"I knew that!" Roy replied haughtily, but Henry could tell that Roy was just as confused as he was.

"I've got the cable, so I'm ready when you are." Harmony pulled an odd, purple, semi-translucent cable from her front jacket pocket and unwound it precisely. "That is, if you're not a big chicken."

"GIve that cord to me!" Roy shouted, pulling it roughly from her hand. The cord dangled between them and Henry had to crane his neck from side to side to see their respective screens.

"You'll have to go to a Pokemon Center first," Harmony said bossily and Roy scowled.

"I know! I know already!" he grumbled.

It took Roy a few minutes to get to the center, but they finally got the connection battle to start.

"Pfft," was the first thing that Harmony said once he sent his opponent over. "You're going to battle my level 60 Dragonite with a Pikachu? Puh-leeze!"

"Don't you say anything bad about my Chu-ie! He's really strong" Roy replied, "besides, I've got Thunderbolt!"

"Ooh, I'm _so_ frightened," Harmony said, her face deadpan.

Henry wasn't exactly sure what was happening, other than the screens on the game systems seemed to have small magical creatures inside that he'd never seen before, and they appeared to do turn-based damage. It wasn't all that different from Wizard's Chess, albeit a bit more straightforward.

In the end, Roy lost, but not by much, because Harmony's Dragonite was paralyzed, so her Hyper Beam kept missing.

"Good game," she said, grinning at Roy with satisfaction. "I knew I'd win, but you were a fun opponent. Let's doing it again sometime."

Roy shook her hand but didn't seem very happy about having lost.

"So what do you do with Chukapi?" Henry asked.

"It's _Pikachu_ , and I just heal it over at the Pokemon Center. I guess I need to level him up a bit more," Roy explained, pushing a bunch of buttons in a seemingly random succession. "There. Saved!"

Not long after, Ron's screen went blank and he began swearing about his batteries being out of juice. Henry wasn't sure where they could get more juice, but it seemed important. Not long after that, the bus had finally filled up and began to move.

"Ugh! Newbert! You lost your calculator _already_? Didn't you just get it?" Harmony shrieked suddenly, causing Henry and Roy to turn and look at her.

"C'mon, then! We gotta ask everyone to see if they've seen it." Harmony grabbed Newbert by the hand and pulled him reluctantly behind her.

They began walking up and down the aisles looking for his calculator, but in the end, it was found in the small toilet in the back, despite the fact that Newbert hadn't even visited it. Henry suspected that maybe someone on the bus had magical abilities they weren't telling anyone about, but Harmony seemed to accept that this sort of thing just kind of happened to Newbert on a regular basis, so nothing more was made of it.

As the sun set, the bus finally turned off of the expressway and down a long, tree-lined driveway. At the end of it was a circular driveway and a giant building with what seemed like thousands of glass windows. The blood-red rays of the setting sun lit up the windows and Henry couldn't help but gasp at the beauty of it.

"How beautiful! They're glowing!" He exclaimed softly.

"Hah!" Harmony snickered from behind them. "They're actually _reflecting_ light, you know."

Henry and Roy rolled their eyes, the unspoken meaning clear. There was no way they were going to let this bossy, know-it-all girl sit near them ever again if they had anything to say about it.


	4. Chapter 4

**Chapter 4: Finding a Place**

Everyone filed out of the bus and into the side entrance of the building.

"Where are _they_ going?" Henry asked, pointing at the buses that were pulling in behind theirs.

"Oh, those are the returning students," Roy explained, "They've already received Placement, so they get a start on the cafeteria food. Lucky jerks."

Henry snickered as Roy's belly growled loudly.

"Don't laugh!" Roy said, blushing scarlet. "Everyone knows that pretzels aren't filling anyway."

Henry's belly growled as well and Roy began to snicker as well.

"Alright students, listen up!" A stern older woman with horn-rimmed glasses was saying from the head of the group as they reached the door. "My name is Mrs. MacConnelly. You will form an orderly line and fill out this form. Fill in the bubble that best describes you with blue or black ink. We will then run it through our computer and it will place you in one of our four dormitories."

"Is this computer thing some sort of magical hat?" Henry asked Roy in a stage whisper.

"What? No. It's a _machine_! My brothers told me all about it!" Roy replied with a laugh.

"I'm not really sure what you mean, but...I guess we'll find out," Henry replied with a shrug. The girl in front of him passed a stack of papers back to him and he grabbed one, handing it to Roy, who passed it back to Newbert.

"Th...thanks," Newbert said, and promptly dropped all of the papers on the ground with a cry of dismay.

"C'mon, I'll help you," Harmony said with a deep sigh as she bent down and began to pick up the pieces of paper.

Henry rummaged in his bag looking for a quill pen, but realized with dismay that he didn't have one.

"Here, you can borrow one of my pens," Roy said, handing Henry a small plastic cylinder.

"Where's the feather and the nib?" Henry asked, tipping it on both sides as though either of those things might simply pop out.

"You just click the end like this," Roy explained, pushing the small end on one side and making a clicking noise, "then the part you write with pops out the other side."

Henry's eyes widened as he followed Roy's motions and the point popped out the bottom of the pen.

"This...is _amazing_!" he exclaimed, prompting some odd looks from the other kids in the line.

"You can keep it, then," Roy replied with a shrug. "My mother got them on clearance anyway, so I have loads."

Henry quickly filled out his questionnaire and looked over at Roy, who had answered some of the questions surprisingly similar. The line moved slowly and Henry pretty much ignored everyone until he heard the teacher call out:

"You are Malachite, Drake, correct?"

Henry peered ahead and saw the haughty blond boy from before nod and step inside the booth with his paper. Less than a second later, the boy emerged with a grin on his face.

"I got the Newtonian Dorms, just like my dad and his dad before him!" he exclaimed, high-fiving an asian girl with a perfectly straight, silky A-line haircut.

"Pham, Penny?" The girl nodded and stepped inside with her paperwork.

A few minutes passed and she emerged with a smirk on her face.

"I'll be in the girl's dorms...in Newton!" she said proudly as the others around her clapped with congratulatory zeal.

Henry made a mental note to avoid any answers that would make him sound like all those stuck-up prats and looked through his answers carefully.

"My brothers are in Freud, so I'm hoping I will be too," Roy whispered, "They have the best parties, you know."

Henry, who had never been to a party, nodded and hoped that he looked like he was being truthful. He wondered if these scientists were the founders of the school, but he didn't want to look too ignorant.

"Well, I know about Newton and Freud, but what about the others? Didn't you say there was four?" Henry whispered to Roy.

"Well, there's Jemison, which is one of the newest dorms built, so it's one of the most modern. It's named after Mae Jemison, who is still alive. She's a famous astronaut, so a lot of the Astronomy and Astrophysics majors try to get placed there in order to get a lot of their lower division classes together as well," Roy explained, "It replaced the Curie dorms a couple years ago when there was a mysterious fire. A lot of students were mad when they renamed it, and a lot of the students whose family members are alumni avoid it like the plague."

"What's the other one?" Henry whispered.

"The Goodall dorms," Roy replied. "Named after a famous primatologist who actually came to speak here awhile back."

Henry wasn't sure what a primatologist was, and he'd never been very good at knowing about the various astrological signs, so he doubled his resolve to get into the same place as Roy, who was at least a friend, which was more than he'd ever had before.

Then, finally, it was Henry's turn.

"Ah, yes, Mr. Porter," the teacher said, looking down at him with a curious expression on her face. "Please step inside and feed your scantron into the machine. You can come and get me if you need any assistance."

"Thank you," Henry replied, stepping through the doorway.

The machine inside was huge and nearly took up half of the room. It was obvious that it was very old, as it was much larger than the laptop that Mr. Onestein had helped Henry buy. A small terminal was located to his left and Henry sat down in front of it on a small wooden stool that had been placed in that spot.

"Um...hello?" Henry asked.

The machine simply hummed and beeped in reply.

Then Henry saw the slot marked with the words "Insert with name this side up" taped above it and he felt pretty stupid for talking to the thing. He fed it into the slot and waited. There was a lot of whirring and beeping and finally, it spit out the sheet once more. Henry stared, his eyes widening with horror.

"NEWTON. Y/N" was displayed on the screen.

Henry located the keyboard and pressed N as hard as he could.

"ERROR. REFEED PAPERWORK" was displayed on the screen.

Henry looked down and realized he had indeed placed the paper in backwards. He fed it through a second time, squeezing his eyes shut as he hoped that the outcome would be different.

"FREUD. Y/N" was displayed on the screen.

"YES!" Henry cried out, pressing Y as hard as he could.

The machine made a series of clicks and soft beeps before it spat out another piece of paper, which Henry grabbed and handed to the teacher.

"Can I wait for my friend?" Henry asked, pointing at Roy, who was looking a little bit nervous.

She shook her head. "You can head over to the cafeteria, which is just through that door. You'll want to sit with the other Freud dorm students. I'm sure Mr. Wensleydale will be there soon. Make sure to hand this sheet to the teacher as you walk in, okay?"

Henry marveled at the teacher's nonchalance, but did as she said anyway.

As he stepped through the door, he marveled at the size of the cafeteria. It was easily twice as large as the Great Hall he'd read about. There were multiple tables for each dorm; each was color coded in purple, scarlet, orange and turquoise.

An older man with a somewhat unkempt beard stood with a strange baton in his hand. He raised it to his mouth as he took Henry's paper.

"Welcome to the Freudian Dorms, Henry Porter!" the man exclaimed through the microphone.

The cafeteria broke out into a smattering of applause, and Henry went to sit down at the table that boasted a big purple F on it.

"Hey there, are you who we think you are?" Asked two twin boys who had the same sort of hair and freckles as Roy.

"Um...maybe?" Henry replied, looking at the empty plate in front of him. He wondered if it would magically appear once the Placement was done.

"I'm Ford," one of the twins said, sticking out a hand to shake. "This, slightly less attractive one is Gordy."

"You idiot! We're identical, you know!" Gordy exclaimed in mock anger.

"Choose to believe what you want," Ford said with a shrug, putting his hand to the side as he added, "Don't listen to him- he's just jealous."

Just then, they all looked up to see Roy walk into the room.

"Another for Freud! Give a warm welcome to Roy Wensleydale!" The less-than-enthusiastic voice of the hairy man echoed through the cafeteria and Roy's ears went red with embarrassment. He quickly ran over to the table and sat down next to Henry.

"Hey, little bro!" Gordy said, pointing at Henry somewhat rudely, "Guess who we met?"

"Yeah, I know," Roy muttered, putting his arms on the table and placing his forehead against the table. "Ugh, I hate it when people stare at me like that!"

"Congrats on making it into Freud! Your mother would be proud!" Ford said, pulling a face.

"Oi, that's my mother you're talking about!" Gordy replied, curling his hands into fists.

"I know. She's mine too. She'd be everyone's mother if she had the chance to, you know," Ford replied with a wicked grin.

"Ugh! I'm starving" Roy whimpered, silencing them all.

There were a couple others called in afterwards, and Henry winced when both Harmony and Newbert sat down at the end of their table, but afterwards, the windows at the side of the cafeteria rolled up as though by magic, and a bunch of delicious and odd scents filled the air.

"Okay, everyone, line up in an orderly fashion!" called Mrs. MacConnelly, who had appeared through the side door after the last person to be Placed.

The staff went first, of course, and Henry waved as Mr. Onestein walked by. The kindly man waved back with a grin as Ford and Gordy goggled at him.

"You know Mr. Onestein even though this is your first year at the school? How?" Ford asked.

"He helped me...get ready…to come to school," Henry replied, shifting uncomfortably in his chair. He noticed that some of the other students at his table and the other tables nearby were pointing at him and whispering.

"Don't bother him, he's had a big day," Roy interjected, leaning forward in his seat with a scowl. "You guys will have plenty of time to talk to him in after we're done with dinner."

"Oh Roy-ber-tito," Ford said with a smirk, "Are you a bit hungry, then?"

Roy's stomach growled particularly loudly, then and the twins cracked up.

"C'mon Henry, let's get into line," Roy said, tugging on Henry's shirt.

They slowly made their way down the line until they were able to fill their trays with an assortment of strange foods, many of which were colors that were obviously not found in nature.

Another red-haired boy with a serious expression was at their end of the table when they returned.

"H'llo Dar-shee," Roy said, his mouth already full of chicken, "This ish 'enry."

The tall boy looked down at Roy and sighed deeply with disgust before turning to Henry.

"My name is Darcy Wensleydale and I am Roy's older brother," he said seriously. "I aim to set a good example for the younger students, and, as the Floor Monitor for the boy's dorms, I can also enforce the rules at school, so please do try your best to follow them."

"Do you have a point system?" Henry asked, knowing that other schools in the magical world did as much.

"Not exactly," Darcy replied, looking at Henry over the rims of his glasses, "but we do have Funding Goals."

"What is that?" Henry asked.

"For every action a student engages in to better him or herself and the name of their scientific endeavors, the more money their dorm gets at the end of the year to be spent on student projects," Darcy explained. "So far, the folks over at Newton keep kicking our butts and end up with the lion's share, but a guy can hope. I can add and subtract funds from our coffer by using this handheld PDA. I can also step in when students from other dorms are misbehaving. We all start out with a thousand dollars each, and amounts are deducted and added throughout the year. The dorm with the most money at the end of the year gets the whole pot. As you can see, it's a very lucrative game."

Henry stared, hoping that he didn't seem totally ignorant about non-magical money. Even though he didn't know much about dollars, he did know that a thousand was a large number indeed.

Once they'd finished their dinners, the principal, a Mr. Dorobere, cleared his throat and welcomed all of the students with a nice speech. He also introduced the new Infectious Diseases teacher, Mr. Quetzal. Henry was impressed at Mr. Dorobere's immaculately trimmed white beard. Most older wizards that he knew simply grew out their beards until they were long enough to tuck into their belts. Just as he was looking back at the teacher's table for Mr. Onestein, he grabbed his arm and winced with pain.

"Ow, my arm!" he yelped, looking up to see a serious-looking man with dark eyes staring at him from the table. "Darcy, who's that sitting up there in the white lab coat?"

"That's Mr. Snopes. He's the Chemistry teacher," Darcy replied, "He's very strict, so don't get on his bad side. He also manages Newton Hall, which has won the funding pot outright for nearly a decade."

Henry turned away and scarfed down the rest of his food quickly. When it seemed most people were done, he and Roy followed Darcy out of the cafeteria and up a long flight of steps.

"We do have an elevator," Darcy explained, "but the stairs are more direct and you'll get more exercise that way. Besides, it breaks down randomly from time to time and people can get trapped inside."

Henry did not ask what an elevator was, and part of him hoped that he would never have to find out.

"Welcome to Freud Hall," Darcy said to everyone once they reached the landing at the top of the stairs, "You will need to remember this keypad code to get in the door. 2-4-6-8. Do not share it with anyone else, or you will lose funds."

Luckily, Roy and Henry were able to find two beds that were next to one another, but they both let out a dismayed sigh when Newbert set his things down on the bed across from them. Two other boys, a tall black boy named Damian and a short, large-eared boy with brown eyes and freckles name Sean took the remaining two beds.

"I'm going to be a special effects man like my father!" Sean exclaimed, "I love explosions, especially the big movie ones that level an entire building!"

"I know, right?" Damian said excitedly, "Like that time the guy jumped over two vans and they all exploded behind them."

"That was my mother's work, you know!" Sean said proudly.

"What? Awesome!" Roy said. "I totally saw that movie on rerun a couple weeks ago."

The two boys turned to look at him and grinned.

"My parents were high level patent officers!" Newbert squeaked, flushing with embarrassment when the boys ignored him altogether.

"What about you, Henry?" Sean asked.

Henry paled, trying to rack his brain for a suitable lie.

"Um...I just live with my aunt and uncle...they're….not really into science," he admitted.

"He's had a long day," Roy said, stepping in for his friend, "We'd all better turn in for the night. After all, they're going to put up the class lists tomorrow."

"Yeah, sounds like a plan," Henry said, yawning theatrically, even though he was more excited than tired. Spending the night in a room this large, even though he had to share it with four other people was like something out of a dream. The Undetectable Extension charm on his cabinet under the stairs was shoddy at best and sometimes retracted at random times. This was the first time he could remember sleeping in a room with actual windows. Even the starched sheets, though a bit scratchy, were blessedly free of spiders.

It was heavenly.

Henry slipped under the covers, sure that he would be unable to sleep a wink, but the moment his head hit the pillow, he sank into a deep, pleasant sleep.

Thoughts and worries about the coming morning and all that it entailed would have to wait.


	5. Chapter 5

**Chapter 5: Chemistry Class**

The students had only just taken their places randomly behind the long black desks in the Chemistry classroom when the door swung open and slammed behind a very tall, thin man in a white lab coat, who strode to the front of the classroom in a highly intimidating fashion. He imagined it would have been much more impressive had the man been wearing billowing robes instead of a slim-fitting white lab coat, but he still kept a rather serious air about himself. The top of the coat was buttoned all the way up to his chin with only the slightest amount of black at the collar and sleeves, and he scowled at everyone from behind his safety goggles.

"So, this is my first year Chemistry class, is it?" he said skeptically, turning to write on the board with a piece of chalk. "My name is Professor Snopes. That's right. My father was THE Snopes, who created the website that you all know and love, so don't you dare think about trying to pass any cockamamie Buzzfeed link-bait off as a... _reputable_ source in any of your papers, or I will know. Do I make myself clear?"

Everyone nodded intently as Professor Snopes began to take attendance and Henry winced as he felt a mild ache in his shoulder.

"Porter….hmm….oh, yes, our new _celebrity_ ," Professor Snopes said, his voice silky and dangerous, "I'll bet you will be regaling us all about how you've had Bigfoot for dinner and created matter from thin air."

"No, Professor." Henry blushed with embarrassment and shook his head as Snopes stared at him with undisguised dislike. He couldn't tell why the Chemistry teacher would hate him so much, but then again, perhaps his aura was displeasing. Henry had never been good with sensing auras like his aunt and cousin.

"Oh? So you know something about science, do you?" Snopes grinned ghoulishly. "Tell me then, what is the chemical equation for photosynthesis?"

"I...I don't know...sir…" Henry looked over at a dark skinned girl with bushy, natural hair whose hand was straining rigidly in the air, and pointed at her. "She seems to know, though."

"I was not asking Miss..." Snope checked his attendance list, "...Geiger, I am asking you."

Henry looked around helplessly and Snopes tsked loudly.

"Not so smart are we, Mr. Porter?" Snopes asked with a flourish of his hand. "No matter! Class, I shall go over some basic safety rules for the classroom. First! If your hair can be placed in a ponytail or drawn back from your face, you will do so! I will not accept 'set hair on fire' as an excuse for not participating in classwork. Second! You will always wear your lab coat, protective goggles and choose either latex or nitrile gloves when working with materials! Ear plugs will only be used in the case of loud experiments, which will all be carefully noted in your spiral bound lab books. We would not want any of you to get...injured. Third! You will show up promptly at the beginning of class with your homework completed! Any students attempting to finish papers or assignments during class will be given a zero for the day. Now! Open your textbooks to page twelve and begin reading. You will all be doing a two page paper on chemistry safety precautions and the consequences of forgoing these measures, due on Wednesday."

Everyone was so busy frantically writing notes, that only Henry noticed that Snopes was still staring at him with an oddly disgusted sneer. Henry didn't like being looked at like that. It reminded him of how his aunt and uncle always looked at him, as though he was defective and unsettling to watch. He'd thought that coming to a scientific school would relieve him from having to live in a world of superstition and unexplainable wonder that he would not have access to using, but he was finding that there was plenty difficulties that didn't come from a wand or a pesky magical creature that had taken up residence nearby.

Henry was glad when the bell finally rang for lunch, even though he wasn't looking forward to the smell of greasy slop that would likely assault his nose when he entered the cafeteria.


End file.
